Free Range Ukulele Society of Oak Park

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Humor

The following bits of humor were posted for the specified meetup dates. Enjoy.

April 16, 2019
Recently seen on a t-shirt:

There's a fine line between numerator and denominator, but only a fraction will understand.

April 2, 2019
From the Department of Bon Appétit:

Do what you may, but sheltering in place is going to bring on an epidemic of COVID-19lbs.

February 20, 2020
Recently seen on another website:

“Do not believe everything you read on the Internet.” ~Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

February 6, 2020
Recently seen on a t-shirt:

Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.

January 30, 2020
Two jumper cables walk into a bar. One of them says, “We'd like a couple of beers, please.”

“Okay,” the bartender replies, “but don't start anything.”

January 23, 2020
A chicken farmer thought his chicken coop was haunted by a poultrygheist, so he called an eggsocist who had to be convinced that this was no yolk.
January 16, 2020
Recently in the news:

KFC is hiring geneticists to edit chicken DNA.

Apparently they want something CRISPR.

January 9, 2020
From the Department of Soon to Be Dated Jokes:

My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.

How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.

January 2, 2020
I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.
December 12, 2019
Some years ago, before the fall of the U.S.S.R., a Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it's raining,” he said to his wife.

“No,” she replied, “that felt more like snow to me.”

“Oh, I'm sure it was rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a minor Communist Party official walking toward them. “Let's not fight about it,” the man said. “Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.”

As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It's raining, of course,” he answered, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!”

To which the man quietly replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

December 5, 2019
The Past, the Present, and the Future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

November 21, 2019
From the Department of Cogito, Ergo Sum:

René Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes, the bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” Descartes replies, and promptly disappears in a puff of logic.

Sometimes when this is told as, “A Clydesdale walks into a bar...,” only philosophy students will laugh. So you need to explain the background first, which puts Descartes before the horse.

Contributed by member Rudy:

Q: Why did the chicken go to a seance?
A: To get to the other side!!!!
November 14, 2019
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much is a beer?”

“For you,” the bartender replies, “no charge.”

November 7, 2019
A Rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What? If this is some sort of joke, you'll have to leave!” So they all walk out.

A few minutes later a chicken walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Come on! We don't serve chickens here!”

The chicken asks, “Do you know anywhere that does?”

“Yeah,” the bartender replies. “It's right across the road.”

October 31, 2019
A chicken farmer is collecting eggs one day, and under his best layer he only finds a penny. The next day instead of eggs there is a quarter. And on the third day he finds a nickel. Since he's very fond of this bird, he gathers her up and takes her to the vet.

The vet examines the chicken and doesn't find anything wrong. So she asks the farmer why he brought her in. The farmer tells her what's been going on, and then he says, “What's happening?”

“Oh, I don't think it's anything to worry about,” says the vet. “She's simply going through the change.”

October 24, 2019
From the What's Weirder Than Wondering Why Chickens Cross Roads Department:

Mole Day is celebrated annually on October 23 from 6:02 a.m. to 6:02 p.m. It commemorates Avogadro’s Number (6.02×10^23), which is a basic measuring unit in chemistry. Also see the Mole Day Foundation website (MoleDay.org), although right now their store is here.here: bit.ly/2MTjGUR

October 17, 2019
From the Department of Chickens Crossing Roads:

Recently seen on a t-shirt: I sometimes wonder what happened to people who have asked me for directions.

October 10, 2019
A chicken farmer looks outside and sees his rooster laying motionless, with a buzzard circling overhead. He walks outside up to the rooster, looks down and says, “Too bad.”

The rooster opens one eye, looks up and whispers, “Quiet! She's is getting closer.”

October 3, 2019
A chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances. The police suspect fowl play.
September 26, 2019
Q: If a rooster laid an egg on a roof, which way would it roll?
A: Nowhere, because roosters don't lay eggs.
September 19, 2019
September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A: A buck an ear.
September 12, 2019
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!
August 29, 2019
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: She heard the referee calling fowls.
August 15, 2019
I've started a dating site for chickens.
It's not my full-time job. I'm just doing it to make hens meet.
August 8, 2019
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don't serve poultry.”
The chicken says, “That's okay. I just want a drink.”
August 1, 2019
Q: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over?
A: A dirty double crosser.
July 25, 2019
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a chicken walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the chicken's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the chicken. “Your name is written inside the cover.”